


I guess we're doing this now

by gerg_clooners



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Catra (She-Ra) Redemption, F/F, Figuring out how to be together, First Time, Lesbian Disaster Adora (She-Ra), Lesbian Sex, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Post-Canon, Trying to stay as close to canon as possible, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic, actually noelle I'm not sorry this time, adora is a top but she just doesn't know it yet, becoming sexually mature, blonde lesbian jock, they will have sex several times none of this one-shot nonsense
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:08:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25913371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gerg_clooners/pseuds/gerg_clooners
Summary: A nice deep-delve into what happens after season 5. Adora and Catra need to work through their feelings etc. They talk about the past a lot. Catra has to deal with the fact that she was awful to a lot of people. Adora needs to deal with the fact that she has a martyr complex. They both have to deal with the fact that they want to have sex a lot. You know, the usual.
Relationships: Adora & Catra (She-Ra), Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Catra & Glimmer (She-Ra), Catra & Scorpia (She-Ra)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 141





	1. Bright Moon

**Author's Note:**

> I am a writer in real life but have never written fan fic before, so whatever lets see how this goes. I will add chapters as I write them. Want more smut? Just say. Want less smut? Sorry...

Catra looked at the large expanse of her new room and considered this coddling. No one needed this much space. She sat on the bed and sunk right into it; an unwelcome journey into needless opulence, “you could fit like fourteen people on this,”

“Let's not try that though,” said Adora

“How did you not go soft living here?”

“How did you not go soft being such a... dumb... cat person?”

Catra squinted at her, “wow, you really got my number there,”

Glimmer knocked and asked if everything was okay. Catra enquired as to whether the waterfall was a shower, and this was met with silence, “because I' not showering in that,” she said.  
“I was thinking,” said Glimmer, “that we all have dinner tomorrow. Something nice and normal to do together,”

“Sounds great,” said Adora.

“Who's 'we all'?” said Catra.

“You know, you two, me and Bow, and – uh – my Dad.”  


When Glimmer left Catra tried sitting on the bed again.

“Look,” said Adora, and then she fell backwards on the bed with her arms and legs splayed, “with this bed we can both sleep like this. Isn't it great?”

Catra smiled and fell back too, “Sure, okay, it's nice I guess”

“Everything is nice now that we're not fighting a war anymore,”

“Or fighting each other,” Catra sat up and leaned over Adora and kissed her, and Adora's arms wrapped tightly around Catra's back. They opened their mouths; their tongues moved around desperately. They were still new at this. One of Catra's hands worked it's way down Adora's front and slipped under her trousers. 

Adora flinched and giggled, “sorry,” she said.

“What?” said Catra, “why do you keep doing that?”

Adora didn't have an answer.

Catra hated how coarse she was, “I mean – is there something wrong?”

“I don't know, this is all just new and weird,” this was the perfect time to use the word 'weird', just perfect.

Catra pulled away and brought her chin to her knees and wondered when they were finally going to stop messing around like this and just become adults, “we almost did this that one time in the Horde. You didn’t forget that already, did you?”

Adora's voice went down a whole semi-tone, “I definitely remember that.” And then she looked at Catra; Adora was pretty sure she’d never get used to this sincere, disarming expression that Catra had apparently learned overnight, “ ...but you know, that was before everything else,”

Catra sighed, “yeah, sure,” 

“I'm sorry, I just—”

“It's okay, Adora, I get it,” she did get it but her tone was dismissive. She went for a walk. The hallways were so pristine and laden with marble that it was almost inhuman. Her footsteps echoed in loose warbles and she craned her neck at the vaulted ceilings that stretched unattainably high. There was a gross abundance of daylight pouring in, bathing everything in sickly pink. Adora said she was going to take her home. This had never been her home.

Adora was now in Glimmer's room. They did this nearly every day now; making perpetual visits to each other, in complete denial of the crushing boredom.

“That's actually the smallest room we have, Adora,”

“I know, I know... it's not the room, it's actually just—” Adora sighed and slumped into the sofa. 

Glimmer had never seen Adora quite like this. She was itching around like she was uncomfortable in her own skin. Adora insisted that whatever was happening was all her fault.

“Yes, Adora, you're right. Everything is your fault.”

Adora rolled her eyes and groaned. She thought about Catra walking around the palace on her own, “it's because I – I mean, I can't uh...” the truth sounded gross, “I don't know, Glimmer. This is all so new. We grew up together, and now—” she was tired at how ridiculous she was, stumbling around the issue like a stupid child. She struggled to reconcile the fact that she had been so ready to sacrifice herself for the entire planet, with the idea that she couldn't concede a shred of vulnerability for someone she loved this much. 

“Hey, it's okay,” said Glimmer, “just take it slow,”

“I don't want her to think that I don't want her.”

Glimmer raised an eyebrow and pointed, “you see that bowl of shiny purple stones over there?”

“Yeah. I've never understood what those are for,”

“Nothing. They're stupid. My Mum just liked dotting them around everywhere. They’re purely for decoration,”

“Okay, great. What’s you’re point?”

“Adora even the dumb purple stones know that you want Catra,” 

Catra found Perfuma in the garden. She was growing a tree with enormous heavy leaves that hung low with sap. And she shrunk it down to a sapling again. And then she grew it again. And then back to a sapling, “Oh hi,” she said, “I was just – well, bored. I'm bored. Who knew I could ever be bored,”  
“Guess you can't meditate boredom away,”

“No no you can! But I guess... it stops working after a while,” Perfuma looked at Catra, “are you okay?”

They sat on the grass and watched the night draw in. Catra looked at the stars, “isn't it funny,” she said, “that we all grew up in a completely empty dimension and didn't realise it,”

“It's interesting to learn what you find funny,” said Perfuma.

Catra was already tired of this. Her love for Adora had been stuffed in a nook somewhere for most of her life, and now she'd finally pulled it out and hardly knew what to do with it. It was disgusting. It was simpler before when she just left it aside and drifted through life like a waifish husk. It was always simpler – existing with self-imposed low standards. You'd never ever have to consider all the possibilities that living could offer. She hadn't been living at all over the past couple of years; only surviving.

“It's hard to be vulnerable with people,” said Perfuma.

“Duh. If anyone knows that, it's me. Just look how long it took me to tell her I loved her,”

And now, Perfuma was laughing; Catra was usually more self-aware than this, “Catra,” Perfuma said, “think about it,”

Catra looked at her impatiently.

Perfuma said, “...it also took Adora that long. And for you to say it first.”

Catra's eyes widened, “I'm such an idiot,”

She got back to the room and Adora was there. She looked at her and hated that she almost started crying, “this is harder than I thought it would be,” she hovered in the doorway. Adora walked right up to her and pressed her forehead against hers and said, “what is?” very quietly – Catra was sure she did this without realising. When Adora sought to allocate you all of her attention, her voice dropped to a silky baritone and it quite literally made Catra lightheaded.

“Umm, you know... being, uh”

“Being together?” Adora bravely drew her head away so she could see Catra's face. Her expression was punishing — again. She knew it would be and yet she still looked.

“Yeah,”

“We'll figure it out,” said Adora. She didn't know how they were going to do that. She fought the instinct to figure it out all in one go, as if that was even possible. What if we made a chart? She held Catra's hand and stroked the back of her neck and felt the rough abrasion left behind by the chip. Catra's shoulders dropped. It was like she couldn't relax unless Adora was right there with her. They sunk into the bed, fatigued, and fell asleep. When Catra woke in the morning she rolled her eyes at her own stupid thoughts – Adora was just in another room, she wasn't gone. And now she walked in, fully dressed. She owned no other clothes; only the ugly red jacket. “Everything okay?” she said.

Catra was buried in sheets and pillows. Adora slipped in next to her. Catra pulled the red jacket off, “I can't believe you still wear this,” Adora's pony tail swung as the jacket fell away, and the smell had Catra's eyes flickering shut. She told Adora again that she loved her, “think of all that time we wasted, Adora,”

“I'd rather not,” Adora felt hot somehow, and very exposed – like Catra could sense her temperature rise. Catra's unblinking eyes stayed fixed on hers and Adora said, “you're more like a cat than you've ever been,”

Catra laughed, “I guess I'm finally being myself,”

It seemed so easy for her. Adora thought of Catra alone in the Horde without her, “what was it like? Was it all just the same routine?”

“Not really. I got promoted and then it's all a blur,”

“Oh,”

“Honestly it didn't take long until Shadow Weaver was in a prison cell. I can't even remember how I pulled that off. And then I was next.”

“What? They put you in a cell?”

Catra was cool, having brushed off the severity of all this long ago, “well yeah of course – it was my fault that Shadow Weaver escaped,” she looked down, “you know, it's over now.” 

Adora watched Catra close in on herself and decided it was too early in the day for a repugnant sojourn into nostalgia, “yeah, thank god,”

Catra was stagnant; her mind recounted that prickly, raspy cough that remained even months after she was released. She'd nearly forgotten that everything she did in the Fright Zone was driven entirely by fear, “actually a lot happened that I guess you don't know about,”

Adora felt like a heavy, useless brute with nothing to punch. She was struck with a gross pang of guilt as she mistook her feelings for uncaring – somehow she didn't want to hear details of Catra being abused and manipulated, “we don't have to talk about this now,”

“Maybe talking about it would help?”

Catra had melted so comfortably into being open and honest that it was almost intimidating, “okay, if you're sure,”

Catra noted that as she rose up through the ranks in the Horde, the coercion and manipulation only got worse, “I was so naïve. I have no idea why I thought it would get easier.” When Hordak suffocated her the first time, she hadn't even done anything wrong. Warning and punishment became indistinguishable. When he did it again she woke up in the very same cell that Shadow Weaver escaped from. 

Adora's eyes darkened, “I'm sorry what?”

“He had this sort of... gas chamber thing in his—”

Adora lurched out of bed and paced the room. She muttered angrily under her breath, “next I seem him I'm gonna... urgh,”

Catra grunted. This had now become something else.

Adora turned and looked at her, “I... I'm sorry,”

“Can you stop making everything into a problem you need to solve? Why are you surprised that he would do something like that?”

“I uh, I'm not I just... I don't know, I wish I—”

“It was a mess that I got myself into, Adora. It's not your fault that the Fright Zone continued to be a shitty place to live after you left,”

“Just because you 'got yourself into it' it doesn't mean you deserved it, Catra”

“yeah yeah I know, I get it – it's the latest trend: we don't deserve punishment anymore, we deserve nice things, blah blah blah,”

Adora sighed, “you sound like you're making fun of it but that is the situation, yes,” she had no idea how to navigate this and felt like she was telling Catra off. Why was it so hard to enjoy not living in fear of being tortured? She searched for reason and finally admitted, “I think I'm a little overwhelmed,”

“By what?”

“You're being so honest with me and I feel like I'm only giving half as much,”

Catra laughed, “only you would make a competition out of this,”

Adora's voice went deep and silken again, “I'm sorry,”

“Don't be sorry. It's just that I can't be bothered to hide anything from you anymore”

Catra was staring at her again. This made her feel weak – her sincere unwavering stare literally made her weak. She looked away and blinked and found her eyes to be wet. Catra laid a hand on her cheek and Adora said, “I love you so much, I don't understand why I can't give you what you want,”

“You're such an idiot, I have everything I want now. Finally.”

The two of them went for a walk. Adora showed Catra what Bright Moon looked like when she wasn't busy invading it and smashing it to pieces, “look here's something you broke that we're fixing – oh look here's another thing,”

Catra gave Adora a shove, “shut up,” then she looked up at the statue of Angella, “who's that?”

Adora was hoping she'd somehow never have to explain this, “that's Glimmer's Mum,”

“Oh that's amazing,” said Catra, “that she has a statue like this,”

Adora nodded and wanted desperately to leave.

“How did she die?”

Adora was about to find a clumsy way around this when Glimmer appeared in front of them and said, “we're raiding the kitchen” and she grabbed them both by the shoulder and they were there in an instant. Catra moaned, “stop doing that without warning – stop it,” teleportation was not necessarily easier than walking.

“Sorry I'm just so excited to eat good food again,”

“Aren't we already having dinner later?” said Catra.

“Oh, simple Catra,” said Adora, and she put a hand between Catra's shoulder blades, which made her ears twitch, “now that the war is over we can eat whenever we want,” she said the last part right in Catra's ear in a way that she thought was innocently playful, but was more of a breathy pseudo-sexual nightmare – god, what a dumb tease Adora was. “Look, Catra,” she said, “this is what they call fruit,”

“I know what fruit is, Adora,”

“Yes but have you ever actually eaten it?” Adora picked up a peach, “so okay this one is like a ration bar except when you bite into it you don't want to spit it out straight away,” and she took a bite and juice slowly trailed down her wrist.

Catra stared at her and truly wished to be as unaware of herself as Adora seemed to be; she watched her lick the trailing juice off her own hand and just went, “hm,” as if noting her own arousal out loud to herself was useful.

“What?” said Adora.

“Looks good, lemme try,” and she took the peach away from her and actually, it was good – all acidy sweet. The fibres got caught in her teeth but it wasn't annoying. Now only the stone was left, “do I eat this part?”

Adora said, “I don't think so, it always hurts my teeth,”

Oh good, another reason to think about Adora's mouth – excellent.

“Ah gimme that, I'll put it in my Perfuma box – everyone gets a box now,” said Glimmer. She was giving in to every request these days, perhaps out of guilt. She wasn't sure yet.

“What good is a fruit rock to Perfuma?” said Catra.

“It... you use these to grow more fruit,”

“Oh.. right,” said Catra. 

Adora elbowed her, “pff, fruit rock – what a dumb thing to say,”

Catra elbowed her back, much harder, “shut up, you didn't know how fruit worked either until you got here,” they playfully scuffled with each other, and Catra's tail pulled Adora in for a kiss. This was Catra's stupid mistake – she was horny enough already. Adora was only embarrassed, which Glimmer was acutely aware of so she just pretended she never saw it. Therefore, the kiss had little benefit for anyone – great work Catra.

Just before dinner Adora emerged wearing the boring red dress – the only other thing she had to wear besides the ugly red jacket. She needed more clothes, but she didn't want any more clothes. Her relationship with clothes manifested in authority figures telling her what she should wear, and remaining compliant long after those figures had disappeared. Her hair was still down. Catra absorbed this moment as intensely as possible, because it wouldn't be long until – yep, there it goes. Into the stupid ponytail again.

“Do we normally dress up for dinner around here?”

“We don't normally even have dinner so, you know... I don't actually know.” she turned and looked at Catra, who was now facing the other way. Her hair tapered off into a point on the back of her neck. It looked soft and inviting. She would never mention her hair; it wasn't this short out of choice. She resisted the urge to reach out and touch; she thought it was unwelcome; she didn't want to be late for dinner.

“I just realised I have like one set of clothes and they are literally the ones Entrapta had to make for me after I got abducted,” said Catra  
Adora did it again: she was suddenly right behind Catra, and for some reason felt the need to put her hands on her shoulders. Her voice hit that baritone and she spoke directly into her ear, “it's okay,”

Catra sounded frustrated, “oh my god, Adora,” she turned.

“What?”

She clasped a hand behind Adora's head and kissed her, pressing her onto the bed, giving Adora exactly what she wanted, while sparing her the crushing humiliation of having to ask for it herself. Adora's hand swept up and grasped the back of Catra's neck, now that it was appropriate to do so. She felt the glorious bit of hair she was looking at just a moment ago. Catra's hand slipped down her thigh and to the hem of her dress. This time she paused and asked if this was okay. Adora nodded and she hastily gave Catra's wrist a longing tug. Suddenly one of Catra's fingers was inside of her. Catra watched her body stretch out long on the bed, and her hands moved around urgently, looking for something to hold on to. Her face was similar to the one she made when she was in pain – what an annoying, unwanted observation. Adora now moved her body, sinking onto Catra's hand. Her knees now pointed to the ceiling, letting her dress fall and gather at her waist. Catra gazed on, awe-stricken at the sight of Adora losing control. The blood drained from her head.

Adora finally said, “how do you know what to do?”

Catra was not prepared to be answering questions at this time, “I'm just – I'm just doing what I normally do to myself,”

Adora had follow up questions but it was in no position open up the conversation any further. When she came, she stuck her palm to her forehead as if she couldn't believe it was happening. The other hand was wrapped tightly around Catra's shoulder. Catra could feel it clamping down harder as Adora worked through her orgasm. In a way, it just really hurt and she wanted it to end. In another way, it was simply excellent. To Catra's relief Adora's eyes were closed – she didn't necessarily want her to see her jaw hanging open in dumb surprise at how quickly she made her come.

Adora took a gulp of air and sighed it out, and finally was limp. Catra lay next to her. When Adora came back to life she didn't say anything, she just laughed. Catra understood the laugher – if it was anyone else she would have hated it. And now Adora's eyes were different; they were softer and they drifted all over Catra’s face, settling on her mouth much more readily than usual. They looked at her with more than just love and faint, unwavering concern. Always so sincere and ready to care. Now they looked at her with a kind of wanting and this was a welcome change.

Catra said they should go to dinner. Neither of them expected that she'd ever be the first to suggest this.

“I just need five minutes,” her hair was down again – Catra had pulled it out. Her eyes rested briefly on Catra's mouth again, “uh... what about you?” she was awkward about it.

“There's always after dinner,” giving Adora an orgasm was all she could manage at this point. Adora said nothing. She was finally still. 

They arrived at the dining room and Adora realised that after four years this was her first time inside it. Glimmer was sitting at the head of the table, and this was pretty heavy-handed.

Glimmer said, “Adora are you okay?”

“I'm great, why?”

“You look different,”

“Oh...” she went red.

Catra laughed out loud – it was nearly impossible to embarrass her; a tiresome quality that never seemed to fade.

Micah said, “Perfuma invited us to something called a drum circle. I don't know what one of those is but I'm excited to find out. Are you two going?”

Catra waited for Adora to answer. Adora looked at Glimmer who was nodding desperately. She obviously had already agreed to go, “yeah, sure, sounds great” said Adora.

Catra laughed, “why are you always so nice all the time?”

“What?”

“Are you scared that Perfuma won't like you anymore if you don't go? She likes everybody,”

Adora frowned, “Catra... shut up,”

Bow ate his food silently and Glimmer pressed on, “well I'm going, so... you know,”

Adora began, “Exactly, it'll be fu—” Catra's tail ran a line up the inside of her thigh and Adora dropped her fork and just laughed – she did nothing else but laugh. The others regarded her with abashed confusion. 

Catra was propelled by what she considered a small victory, “Yeah, Adora will come. Won't you, Adora?”

Adora was hot with embarrassment, and other things, obviously. It felt like they'd been rehearsing a play all day and Catra made a snap decision to throw the script out of the window – the cunt. So now she just sat there, paralysed with dumb surprise.

Catra continued, “and maybe I'll come too,” her tail went to Adora's thigh again, “you know, if I can be bothered.” Adora flinched and couldn't believe that she was just as sensitive to it the second time around.

Glimmer's patience escaped her and she squinted at them both, upset that she was not in on the joke. Bow remained ignorant so now laughed, “guys it's just a drum circle – she does them all the time. You don't have to come if you don't want to,”

Micah chimed in, “am I missing something? What actually is a drum circle?”

“You know,” said Catra, “people sit around feeling superior because they have music in their lives,”

“Oh...” said Micah, still smiling.

“Dad it's fine,” said Glimmer, “she does one of these like every week. You'll get bored of them just like everyone else has,”

Adora made a feeble attempt to move on, “I guess you're really excited to try everything, Micah?”

“Yes yes I went straight from Beast Island into a raging war, and then, the brainwashing of course,” he said it all like it was nothing, “and now everything's so different and new, I uh, I just can't wait to see it all,” he lifted his plate, “and look we're eating food – real food,” no one shared his enthusiasm. He laughed and sighed a little and put the plate back down.

“That's so exciting, sir,” said Bow.

“I told you not to call me that,”

“Sorry,”

“Catra, you must feel the same,” said Micah, “this is surely the first time since you defected that you've been able to relax,”

Now the attention was on her when she didn't ask for it, “yeah I guess,”

“I mean, you must be trying lots of new things too?”

Her tail now slithered around Adora's waist, “yep,”

Adora tried to keep it together by doing something normal, like putting her glass down gently, but the slick of her sweaty fingers had the glass slip out of her hand a little too soon and land with a thud, spilling most of it. As patches of water seeped into the table cloth Glimmer rolled her eyes and visibly brought her hand to her face.

“Ah that's... great,” said Micah. He turned to his daughter to escape the wild and engaging conversation that Catra had been providing so far, “Glimmer is this how dinner normally is with you guys?”

“Dad, before tonight the four of us had never sat around a table to eat dinner – like ever,”

That much was obvious.

Adora stormed down the hallway back to their room and Catra followed, watching her ponytail swing furiously from side to side. When they got in the room Adora slammed the door and blocked Catra's path with a hand against the wall, “what the hell was that?”

“What was what, Adora?”

“don't play dumb – that's never been cute”

Catra disagreed.

“During dinner, in front of everyone, you were—”

Catra smiled and lent against the door as if she wasn't cornered, “you hate not being in control – it's hilarious,”

“I – so what? Please don't embarrass me like that again,”

She let the patronising tone go this time, “Adora, I don't think you're mad at me for messing around during dinner. You're mad because I spent the whole time turning you on – and you couldn't do anything about it,”

Adora blinked and opened her mouth to speak but said nothing. Catra's tail was at it again and for a moment Adora wanted to remind her that this wasn't the time – but that was stupid. Any time was the time. She'd forgotten: she could do whatever she wanted now. Making no effort to remove the sternness from her face, she took Catra by the shoulders and fixed her to the wall and kissed her; their mouths were open; Adora bit Catra's bottom lip and Catra made a noise – an extremely gratifying noise. Adora now relaxed into what was happening, released her hands from Catra's shoulders and instead drew them under her shirt and over her downy skin. Without hesitation she pulled the shirt off, tossed it aside and looked back at Catra who's expression – once again – gave her pause. Her ability to hold a stare was actually terrifying – they would have to talk about this later.

“Adora?” Catra said.

“Sorry,” she said, and lent back in for more but was stopped by Catra grabbing her wrist and making the odd choice of hiking it up in the air.

Catra looked her dead in the eye and said, “stop apologising – no more apologising,”

Adora allowed herself to be startled by this for no more than a second. She pulled free of Catra's grip, and now grabbed her wrist instead, planting it against the wall. Catra had forgotten how strong she was. She looked at her. What would she do next? Adora didn't kiss her now; she halted an inch from her mouth and looked her face up and down as her other hand slipped down beneath the elasticated waistband of Catra's trousers. Thank god for the lack of zips, who on earth would have the dexterity for that right now? Catra's jaw dropped in the wake of Adora's sudden exploitation of autonomy. 

Catra's otherwise smooth, fine fur clumped into a filigree of soft ruffles between her legs and – she was so wet. Adora's eyes widened again, “oh.” She had done this; Catra was wet like this because of her. 

“Adora, please,” at this point Catra just wanted a finger or two inside of her.

Re-engaged, and ignoring the impulses that told her she had no idea what she was doing, Adora slipped a finger in. Catra made a fist and it impacted the wall with a blunt thud; her head swung back revealing her long neck. Adora laughed again – apparently this was her usual involuntary response at a time like this.

Catra probably would have laughed too if she could but instead said, “hey can you put another finger in?”

Adora complied and slid back and forth and now moved in closer so that her chin was locked with Catra's shoulder, a perfect place to avoid her stare. Catra started to come and a hand lurched out and grabbed Adora by the hair. Adora gasped, out of shock more than anything. She looked forward to getting used to all this because currently she felt like a baby deer standing up for the first time. As Catra moaned, Adora plunged harder and pinned her tighter to the wall. Catra's husky voice broke, and Adora finally pulled away so she could see her face. Oh it's working. When Catra was finished she opened her eyes again and kissed Adora as she pulled out. Adora didn't know what to do with her wet hand. The both of them took a big inhale and slipped to the floor, gathering in a loose pile. Adora said, “wow, and we're not even good at this yet”

“Speak for yourself, Adora,”

“Actually I just copied what you did earlier”

Catra woke in the night and was confronted with five deep cuts running in tandem across the middle of Adora's back. They were only half-healed, like they had happened a while ago. Catra studied them. Did I do that? She hadn't been brave enough to really dig her nails in during sex yet so that wasn't it. When did she do this? She looked at one of her hands as if it would give an answer. During the war she was sure to only ever scratch Adora where she could see it, like on the face of arms – it was a possessive mechanism. So that every time she saw her again, there was a mark there left by her, validating that she had some kind of visible affect on Adora's wellbeing. But what were these new scratches? She was disgusted at herself.

Adora was awake too. She had opened her eyes to the soft plumes of Catra's breath grazing her back. It was agitating — but not annoying. She was hit with a sort of weird desperation; like the sensation of needing to pee but much more interesting. Well… I guess this is what horny feels like. She went to touch herself for some release. Apparently this was a thing that people did.

Catra saw her stirring and said out loud, without thinking, “hey, Adora,”

Adora's eyes widened. She decided there was nothing else she could do but flip over and mount Catra and reply, “hey,”

Catra knew this face by now, “oh...”

“Catra, I uh, need--”

Catra put a finger in without hesitation – as if Adora even felt the need to ask, the idiot, “holy shit you're so wet,”

Adora breathed heavy, and it took all her energy to get words out, “is – is that a problem?”

“Yep,” 

Now sincere, “oh, why?”

“Because now I'm going to have to fuck you all night,”  
Adora laughed, both with delight and at herself. She was still learning how good Catra was. She continued to move her hips back and forth and buried her head into Catra's neck, and wrapped her arm around her head so that her hand could clench at her hair.

“I have an idea. Turn around,” said Catra. Adora's body seemed to flip around effortlessly. She stayed on top of Catra, her back resting on her chest. Catra reached around and put her fingers back in and now they were moving together. Adora's hair fell across Catra's face; she could really smell it now. She smelled everything she could. Her head, her neck, a spot behind her ear.

Adora started to come; it was long and slow. She sunk into Catra's hand and released weighty, drawn-out moans that Catra was yet to hear up until now. The pace currently was bizarrely slow. Catra made every effort to move in time. Can she feel anything when it's this slow? When she reached the peak, Adora screamed and a deeply ingrained instinct made Catra cover her mouth. Adora continued moan through Catra's palm and then bit it and Catra snatched it away. 

Adora slid off and they wrapped their limbs around each other and kissed until Catra pulled away and said, “who knew you were a biter,”

“Sorry, did it hurt?”

“Yes,”

Adora's face was still apologetic.

“It was hot, I liked it. You just caught me by surprise,”

“I surprised myself too,”  
“That can only be a good thing Adora. Aren't you tired of being so sure of yourself all the time?”

Adora didn't know what Catra was trying to get out of her with this question so just let it hang. She kissed her again and looked at her and Catra smiled back and now Adora's hand drifted down between her legs and Catra said, “no, wait. Do you wanna try using your tongue?”

“My tongue?” just when she thought she was getting the hang of this, she discovered another layer of complexity, “I guess I'd never thought of that,”

Adora was possibly the dumbest smart person Catra had ever met. She'd never gone down on anyone before either but she at least knew it was a thing. She thought about Adora fighting the war all those years without a single shred of consideration for her sexuality. She was interrupted by Adora's mouth making contact with her cunt. She gasped. It was so soft. Any inclination that Adora had no idea what she was doing now melted away. Adora had fallen into her usual habit of focussing extremely hard on a task until she saw it through. It didn't take much, Catra was so close to coming already.

For Adora, this was a little strange at first. She tasted Catra's salty musk and wondered if what she was doing had any effect. She was rewarded quickly; Catra's body contorted and her signature husky moan escaped her mouth and went straight to Adora's crotch. Adora couldn't help it, she moved a free hand down and touched herself while this was happening – she was brought to this place so easily now. It was almost like there was something wrong with her. Catra was coming. She loved her. Adora raised her brow and saw Catra's delicate jaw fall open and her eyes scrunch closed. Then she yelled out Adora's name, and this shook Adora straight to orgasm. Her nails dug tightly into Catra's thigh. 

They relaxed again, and slithered back together, facing each other.

“Did you just come again?” said Catra.

“Yep,” said Adora. She was still out of breath, “you're driving me mad,”

“Have you ever made yourself come twice like that? I've never been able to do it that close together for some reason”

“What? Myself?”

Catra frowned, “Adora...”

“What?”

Catra paused to really let Adora's genuine, innocent, confusion soak in, “so you've never... touched yourself?”

“Not until now, no,”

“Why not?”

“It never occurred to me,”

Catra laughed, “that's amazing,”

“Why?”

While she was still with The Horde, Catra would masturbate at every chance she got; it was probably the only fun thing she did – you know, a quick danger wank before Scorpia came back into the room. Or, if she ever got a night alone she would bring herself to orgasm and then fall asleep; often it was the only way she could sleep. She told herself she never did it because of Adora. She had stamped her feelings down so hard that she only felt hatred when she saw Adora. In fact it was resentment – towards herself – for not giving in.

“Honestly Catra I was just so focussed on the rebellion; I was never... um, I don't know. I never felt sexual,”

“That's because you've been a tool for your entire life,”

“I— what?”

“I mean, you were – or at least thought you were – put here for a purpose, and you only had to fulfil that purpose. Nothing else. From training as a Horde cadet to becoming She Ra. You were never yourself,”

Adora revelled in this monologue.

“Except with me,”

Adora laughed, “okay, sure.”

“Shut up, Adora. You know you always default to honesty – you literally have no other setting,”

Adora's face softened into a smile. Daylight started to creep in. Catra's eyes widened into that disarming stare again. They were large and watery and Adora could never look at them for more than a second at a time, “what are you doing when you do that?” she said.

“What? Do what?” said Catra.

“When you look at me like that without even blinking,”  
Catra wasn't used to explaining how her body worked yet, “It's... I can just hold my eyes open for longer than most other people,”

“No but, your expression is--”

“I'm just looking at you because I love you. I told you I'm through pretending,”

Adora was genuinely panicked, “but I don’t look at you like that, do I?”

Catra paused. “You're such an idiot,” she laughed for a long time. Adora's sheer lack of self-awareness was so present and tangible that it was almost debilitating, “sometimes I can't believe you Adora, seriously,”

Adora said nothing and instead waited patiently for an explanation; she didn't want to add to whatever bullshit this was by asking more questions like an infant.

“Adora, I know what I'm doing – I know how I'm staring at you. I think I do it without realising. Like I said, it's because I love you,”

Adora was less than impressed, “well I know that,”

“I'm laughing because you've been staring at me like that for years Adora. For actual years,”

“I... oh my god,” suddenly she felt like she'd been walking around with a sign on her back her entire life. Daylight now filled the room and she became acutely aware that Catra could see her naked body with more clarity than ever. She pulled the duvet up to her shoulders, “that so... embarrassing,”

“I could write a book about how little you know yourself, Adora,”

“Why don't you? Maybe I'll learn something,”

“Nah no one would read that shit.”


	2. Scorpia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to go back to the Fright Zone and tidy up. Time for Catra to confront those scratches on Adora's back. Time for Adora to understand that her self-sacrifice is actually... a bit selfish.
> 
> (+ sex)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As mentioned before I'm new at writing fan fiction; I'm british so bare that in mind -- you will definitely come across things that Americans just wouldn't say (no matter how many US shows you watch sometimes you just can't shake the British idioms)
> 
> The chapter after this will see Catra learning what happened to Angella, and confronting that guilt.

They arrived in the Fright Zone and noted that it looked worse with the greenish haze lifted; the buildings were so ugly and built for purpose. There was no plant life, nothing fun to do: just dull brown-grey metal structures, rubble, and a bad smell.

“This place gets worse every time I see it,” said Catra.

“Actually, what is that smell? Is that how we smelled to other people who weren't from here?” said Adora.

Then they found the palace. It was in ruins, of course. Neither of them had ever even seen it before, “I guess it's super easy to hide something this big under a gigantic pile of lies,”

Scorpia emerged from the doorway, “you came!” she gave them both a pulverising hug, “I've missed you, wild cat,”

Catra beamed at the idea of actually being a good friend to Scorpia, instead of a giant, ungrateful turd. She hugged back, and laughed, and finally allowed herself to enjoy her love.

Scorpia showed them around and pointed at things, “so there's that... and that stuff there. Also this. And... uh yep, I guess all of this crap over here,”

“So... all the rubble? You need to clear out all the rubble?”

“Yep, basically,”

Adora was finally in her element: lifting heavy objects. She transformed into She Ra and got to work straight away. Catra watched her and tried not to be too impressed. She'd seen this all before. She was such a show off.

“Hey so,” she said to Scorpia, “are you like... going to give this place a new name?”

“Oh yeah ‘The Fright Zone’ sucks, that's gotta go,” he put her pincers on her hips like she always did when she was thinking. She was like a big adorable clown; always making a show of everything, “I was thinking to call it 'Scorpia presents: the kingdom formerly known as the Fright Zone'.”

“Really?”

“No, I have no idea. Will you help me?”

Catra laughed, “of course dummy,”

“Yes! You know, I’ve never restored an entire kingdom before. But, who's to say I have to restore it? Why not make it totally different?”

Catra listened to her with intent and tried not to feel guilty about everything she'd done. She studied her; she was so forgiving.

Scorpia finally stopped talking and looked down at Catra, “ah sorry I'm rambling, I just—”

“I'm sorry about everything, Scorpia,” her voice was low and quiet but it somehow cut through all ambient noise.

Scorpia just looked at her and smiled so warmly, and finally gave her a soft embrace instead of a crushing hug and she said, “I know you are wild cat, and it's okay – I told you it's okay,”

And then they just sat and talked. Scorpia revealed that she’d figured out how Catra had felt about Adora when they left the Crimson Waste to open the portal. Catra was appalled; she thought it had only become obvious the other day. Then they talked about being under Horde Prime's control; how he never seemed to let you sleep; how you felt like one of his limbs.

“So you don’t remember the Horde coming in and taking the garnet?”

“Ha, no… not even a bit. And I guess I was sold a lie there — my parents always said that my grandad handed the black garnet over willingly,”

“Maybe… they thought that was true?”

“You know, I don’t think it matters anymore. We finally have time to make this place nice again,” and she got up and started pointing again. These walls would be knocked through, this fountain would be restored. Oh and then maybe Perfuma can grow some trees here. “Or… anything. Even just some grass. This place is so lacking in, you know, plant life. How did we live like this for so long?”

Adora looked at them both. She saw Catra talking and smiling and displaying a kind of confidence that was wholly separate from the gross, superior kind she had adopted during the war. It was like she was finally telling herself she was a good person with every unrestrained gesture. And then, out of nowhere, it reminded her of how she was when they had sex. Just plain, straight-forward, assertiveness about who she was. And, yep, there it was: arousal that seemed to come out of nowhere. She Ra left her and she was just Adora again. She was starting to hate getting turned on. Just another thing she couldn't control. Then she saw Scorpia walk away, and her legs worked independently to walk her towards Catra.

Catra looked calm and she said, “hey Adora,” but when she saw Adora's eyes – they were doing that thing again – her face dropped. A sudden but welcome surprise. Then Adora looked almost apologetic. Catra was having none of this, of course, “what's wrong?”

She knew very well what was wrong, the cunt, “I was thinking we take a break,”

What a dumb way of putting it, “good idea,”

Adora took Catra by the hand and led her out of the room. Their footsteps echoed loudly on the high ceilings which made it really hard to be discrete. They went down a hallway which led deeply to a dead end. It was dark. Catra enjoyed feeling wanted like this; she seemed to have Adora's attention most of the time, even when she didn't ask for it. When they stopped Adora turned around and she was biting her bottom lip – that was all Catra needed. They both dove in and Adora's tongue finally explored the inner workings of Catra's mouth and yes – the fangs were sharp. Adora honestly had no time to waste at this point. She'd already undone her own zipper and was pulling Catra's hand towards it. Once Catra was inside Adora exhaled and her back hit a wall. She fumbled around to get her hand into Catra's awkward and tight trousers. Were they one piece of several pieces? Stupid trousers. Once she was there, Catra pushed her body into it. Adora could see her eyes shining in the darkness; one blue, one yellow. They moved up and down and stared at her. This time, she managed not to look away. Then she started to come – it hadn't taken long. Catra covered her mouth again and feeling Adora's breath push through her fingers brought her to orgasm too. Adora seemed to lack the motor control to cover Catra's mouth in return so she had to stay quiet all on her own.

When they were finished Adora gave a sigh of relief like she always did and they sort of stood and looked at each other for a short moment. They were just supposed to get back to what they were doing before, apparently.

“Do you have anything I can wipe my hand on?”

“I was going to ask you the same thing,”

They would both have to let that weird crust form on their fingers until they could brush it off on something later. 

While they walked back to the main space Adora said, “I don't understand what's wrong with me,”

“What?”

“I can only go a few hours before I want to do that again,”

“It's amazing how you can make yourself feel bad for wanting to have fun,” said Catra.

“No but it's like... I was never like this before,”

“You’ve always been like this, you just never noticed,” it was tiring, watching Adora continue to fight against who she was, “you know it’s like… it took you this long to realise that your body needs sleep,”

Catra's use of the word 'need' there really rung in Adora's ears. But she was right, she was terrible at trying to sleep. What was the point in trying to sleep when you could just make yourself so exhausted that you simply had no choice? It always seemed more efficient that way. But, anyway: need. How very cumbersome, “so is this just going to be us now?”

“Pff what's you're problem? I could have sex with you all day. Aren't you having fun?”

“I – yes,” and then she felt stupid saying this but she said it anyway, “I just don't like not being able to concentrate,”

“Well,” Catra smiled, “get used to it, I guess,” and she walked ahead into the great hall, the light slowly swallowing her silhouette as she waved at Scorpia. They both got back to work.

Catra had left the Fright Zone early. She was tired and was gearing up for a shower — showers took a lot of effort. Adora stayed back and shifted more rubble. She avoided Hordak who seemed to awkwardly lurk at the fringes, exhibiting the same, intimidating body language as he always had. She didn’t think she’d ever find the energy to engage with him.

When Adora got back Catra wasn’t dressed. She was sort of just hovering in the middle of the room, facing the other way. Adora stood and looked at her for a long time. It was hard to tell if Catra genuinely hadn’t noticed her or if she was just messing with her. She was very good at pretending. Adora looked again at the nape of her neck and how her hair seemed to gather into a point. She’d touched it a million times now but she still wanted to touch it again — it was so unfair. She thought about clearing her throat, but that was stupid and cartoonish; instead she just breathed heavily like some kind of desperate voyeur and eventually Catra turned around and said hello, “are you okay?” she said. 

“Yep all good,” said Adora. She wore her emotions on her face very plainly at all times so this was obviously a lie.  
And then Catra just smirked at her — it was a cold mixture of endearment and confusion, “Adora if you want to have sex, just say so. This is the great thing about being together: we can have sex whenever we want,”

“No, but I—“

“Are you embarrassed?” what a a weird thing to have to explain: that it was flattering to have someone want you all the time. Only Adora’s expert refusal to give in could ruin this.

“No, I just don’t get — I honestly don’t understand my own body any more,”

Catra wanted to be soft but ultimately couldn’t be bothered. She walked over to Adora and took her by the wrists, “just get over it Adora; I think about this all the time but you don’t see me complaining. Either do something about it or get over it — seriously, what’s the problem?”

Adora hadn’t the cognition at present to understand what she meant by ‘do something about it’ but nevertheless she was pulling hard against Catra’s grip while she listened to this. She didn’t think Catra was controlling her, really, but still — she hated even just the feeling of being controlled. Mostly because she was desperate to reach out and touch her now. It was like Catra had forgotten she was standing there half naked. Finally she broke free and immediately her fingertips grazed the sides of Catra’s cheeks, and into her hair behind her ears as her lips closed in on hers.

Catra allowed herself to enjoy the kiss for approximately a minute until she pulled away and looked at Adora’s longing face and said, “Adora…”

Adora said, “yes?” so softly, before Catra could even get the words out.

“Maybe it’s that you don’t like the feeling of losing control,” this was obvious.

“Yeah, that’s it,”

“So then… just control yourself,”

“What?”

“Don’t move a muscle,”

“Okay…”

And now Catra just stopped talking, as if her intentions were perfectly clear, and her nose grazed Adora’s collar bone through the stupid red jacket as her lips made her way onto her neck. Catra removed the red jacket, and, as if she misunderstood the excruciatingly clear instructions, Adora’s hands moved onto Catra’s waist, “no,” said Catra, “I said don’t move,”

Adora now wore an expression that Catra had probably seen a million times. It read: this is impossible but I will try anyway. She stood up poker straight while Catra slowly undressed her. The regulation Horde top was next — astounding that she still wore this, after all these years. She pulled down her trousers. Luckily her shoes were off already. There’s no graceful way to remove shoes. Adora continued to stare at her in disbelief as she ran her fingers across her torso and kissed the front of her neck, her chin, and then her mouth. Adora’s lips were completely motionless. It was almost terrifying. Catra, quickly running out of ideas, pulled out Adora’s hairband and watched the hair frame her face. She kissed the space between her breasts and this is when Adora took a sharp inhale. She looked up at her face. Adora now mostly looked confused. What was the point in this? Catra gave up, “okay you can move now,”

A sigh of relief rattled through Adora’s nose. Catra’s eyes darted downwards and she gasped as a Adora’s hands instantaneously clasped their way around the backs of her thighs, her fingertips walking between her legs, moving the folds in her cunt ever so slightly. Had she been planning this? Adora kissed Catra with full force, and her grip tightened as she pulled upward and — somehow — she actually lifted Catra off the ground. Catra hooked her arms around the back of Adora’s neck for support. Adora held onto her just fine, and now walked towards the bed, lips still engaged, eyes perfectly closed, unbelievably focussed. Catra’s back made contact with the bed and Adora’s grip somehow didn’t loosen. Adora finally opened her eyes so she could see Catra’s face change as she slid her fingers in. It was easy; she couldn’t believe how easy it was.

Afterwards Catra said, “what did you mean when you said don’t understand your own body?”

“I just meant I’m new at all this and I don’t understand what I’m doing,”

Catra didn’t either — why were they never talking about that? “But you picked me up off the ground, like… did you rehearse that?”

Adora laughed, “What? Rehearse?”

“What? It was, you know, very cool,” Catra was master of the understatement.

“You made me stand still for ages, I dunno what to say. I just sorta did it,” it was here when she finally started realise that she had been looking at this like some challenge she was supposed to overcome, as opposed to an irreversible transformation of her behaviour. It would never be enough; she would probably never stop wanting to have sex.

Catra woke up to the five gashes on Adora’s back again. Oh yeah… that. An indeterminable amount of time passed and then Adora woke up too. She stretched and flipped over and said hello. Catra avoided what she now called Adora’s sex gaze. Adora said, “are you okay?”

“When did those scratches on your back happen?”

Adora was sleepy and had forgotten, “what scratches?” There was a short silence and then, “oh those… you know. That was on Horde Prime’s ship. You know?”

“No…?”

There was no reason why she’d remember this. She was under someone else’s control; Adora still couldn’t believe she could scratch that hard. She’d dealt with the pain silently for days. She was reminded of it every time she lent against a wall or the back of a chair. Catra had probably scratched her a million times before this but these were the only scratches that lasted. She continued awkwardly, “you did it while you were chipped,”

“Oh,”

“Actually I mean… I guess Horde Prime did it, technically,”

“Yeah I guess that’s right,” Catra said, “does it hurt?”

“No,”

“Don’t lie, Adora — just tell me if it hurts,”

And now Adora couldn’t help but sound defensive, “it doesn’t! I mean, it did but now it’s fine,”

Catra rolled her eyes, unsatisfied.

“This is gonna sound weird but I was sort of happy about it,”

“How?”

“You’d never scratched me like that before. Like, you did, but not hard. We were fighting but we weren’t really fighting, you know? So when you did it that hard while under Prime’s control, I figured—“

Catra interrupted Adora’s lovely burst of assumptions, “What are you talking about? I was fighting for real — I wanted to hurt you,”

“I know but… maybe it’s more that I didn’t want to—“

“Intentions are great Adora… it doesn’t change the fact that you hurt me too,”

Adora went quiet, still not used to hearing this outright.

“There’s a part of this that I don’t think you understand yet.” When Adora left the Horde years prior, she explained to Catra — with righteous innocence — that they were being manipulated, and it was wrong. Catra knew this; she’d always known this. The difference between her and Adora was that she was willing to put up with it, and Adora was willing to actually fight it. Catra had to explain, “you know, it’s scary — you’re a scary person, sometimes”

Adora, almost incapable of grasping nuance and who only wanted to be good, said, “I am?”

“Yeah, I mean, I was afraid of you because of how I felt — we all know that now. But I guess like… like the time on Mara’s ship when the chip was still in my neck. You literally backed me into a corner until I gave in, you know?”

Adora thought back to this and only remembered feeling frustrated, “Yeah, that was — I was just trying to get you to—“

“You were just being you — you really wanted to get the chip off and I was scared but that seemed sort of irrelevent to you because… yeah, you just wanted to get the chip off I guess. It’s like when you want to achieve something, you get tunnel vision until it’s done.”

The time on Mara’s ship was like a brief holiday from reality; Adora probably visited Catra’s room every hour at first, then every other hour. She couldn’t tell if she was just checking on her, or checking that she was still there. Where would she go? They were on a space ship. Then, when she finally woke up and started talking, she was just annoying — ungrateful, “you just love feeling like a hero, don’t you?” she would say. It was plainly obvious to both of them that Adora didn’t rescue her for gratitude. But they didn’t bother talking about that. Instead it was all about the chip. Adora found herself grabbing Catra’s wrist and talking over her — completely bulldozing her way through the room, angry — until Catra only looked defeated, and had no choice but to listen.

“I remember it really differently, that’s weird,” said Adora.

“No it isn’t,” said Catra, “same as with the failsafe. Actually I underestimated you with that one,”

“What do you mean?”

“For a second there I genuinely thought that you couldn’t tell that Shadow Weaver was just manipulating you, so—“

Adora cut her off, irritated, not really in the mood to talk about the failsafe again, “we’re not kids anymore, it was obvious what she was doing,”

“Well I know so… that’s why it was so scary, Adora. It was you deciding, all on your own, to sacrifice yourself for everyone else. And why? Anyone could have done it,”

“Yeah, but She Ra—“

“No, Adora: just try for one second to imagine loving someone who’s as good at self-sacrifice as you are.”  



	3. Glimmer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- Time for Catra to learn how Angella 'died'  
> \- The scratches left on Adora's back will take on a new meaning  
> \- Thank you for being patient while I learn how this whol fanfic thing works, thank you

The next time Catra walked passed Angella's statue, she read the plaque. She died closing the portal that Catra had opened. There was no one around. She went straight back to her room and stayed there. Shutting everything out, she fell asleep.  


When Adora woke her some hours later, he body stiffened at her touch, “what's wrong?”

Catra could hardly be bothered to explain, “It’s nothing, you wouldn’t understand,” she stayed screwed up in a ball. She was trying to not to let her grief take up all the space – Glimmer was the one mourning a loss here.

“Catra, I'm not doing this again,” said Adora.

This is not what Catra was expecting to hear at all, “doing what?”

In the past Adora had always indulged Catra when something like this would happen — it was a great way to delay or avoid resolution, “what are you hiding from? Just tell me what happened”

“Why didn’t you tell me about how Glimmer’s mum died?”

Adora straightened. She didn’t have a real answer, “I didn’t think it was my place,”

Catra didn’t move, only grunted.

“You won't achieve anything by hiding away. I can't forgive you on behalf of Glimmer, so—”

“But I don't deserve forgiveness Adora. We've been walking around patting each other on the back and whatever and this whole time Glimmer knew what I did? How can she be okay with that?”

“Why is this so hard to believe, I forgave you for everything didn't I?”

“That's because you love me,”

Adora recalled times over the years where she actually wasn't so sure about that, but there was no reason to muddy the waters any further, “Catra, we all did shitty things during the war, you know?”

Catra couldn't imagine that anyone had done anything worse than she had done; she was always the best at being the worst. She didn't need to explain this. Instead she grunted again — a signature noise.

Adora continued, “Like, it was Glimmer who opened the portal again. She activated the Heart of Etheria and pulled us out of Despondos – we never would have been exposed to Horde Prime if she hadn't done that,”

“Who cares about that? That turned out to be a good thing. What possible good can come out of her Mum being dead?”

“Nothing. But what good does it do if you never leave this room again?” 

  
Adora insisted that Glimmer shouldn't make the first move but Catra quite literally wasn't budging. Glimmer didn’t see the point in waiting, “she's got a whole other bunch of people to face up to... might as well ease her in,”

Catra could smell her as soon as she entered the room — it was like lavender. She shot up and looked at her. She prepared herself for what was to come.

Glimmer said, “hey it's okay... you can relax,”

“Glimmer I'm... so sorry. I know sorry doesn't actually uh... do anything—”

Glimmer went to put a hand on Catra's but she pulled away – Catra was actually scared of her. She couldn’t coat herself in a shell of aggression as she’d taught herself to do over the last couple of years. So instead she just sat there and didn’t say anything.

“Catra... you're looking at this the wrong way. My Mum chose to sacrifice herself for the rebellion – because she thought that she—” Glimmer struggled with this now, “she thought that she had done nothing good for it for years,”

Catra softened at the sight of Glimmer trying to hold back tears; she was expecting to be met with anger, “but if I didn't open the—”

“Someone else would have opened it,”

Glimmer had never blamed Catra for any of this — this portal opening was just a product of the war. Despite her best efforts, she failed to stop it from happening, “and then I became Queen in her place and had to just… grow up. Honestly Catra I had no idea what I was doing.”

“Obviously I never admitted this at the time but you were much scarier once you became Queen,”

This was probably a compliment coming from Catra. Glimmer was never comfortable in positions of power. It was easy to overcompensate by asserting her authority at every opportunity. Netossa’s words rung in her ears: overwhelming hubris.

Catra continued, “I did the same thing,”

“What?”

“I made myself really scary so that people had no choice but to listen to me,”

Glimmer had never heard it been put that way before, “yeah I guess that’s what I was doing,”

“I don’t know why you felt the need — people already liked you and respected you,”

Glimmer eyed Catra and smiled, which turned into a sort of confused laugh, “my god.”

“What is it?”

“You’re just so nice — I can’t believe this is really you. You were so, uh, you know”

“You can say it”

“…horrible, for so long.”

“Yeah it was pretty exhausting,” said Catra. But actually it was easy — at first, at least — to be how she thought other people saw her. And to push Adora away. She shifted her weight, “actually I didn’t realise how similar we were. Or… are,”

Glimmer nodded and smiled, waiting to hear more.

“In the Horde I basically replaced Shadow Weaver — and I didn’t know what I was doing either,”

“I think this is something that took me way too long to accept,”

“What?”

“That no one knows what they’re doing,”

They went to visit Angella’s statue together. Catra asked Glimmer if she’d ever grow wings like that.

“I don’t know,” said Glimmer, “my Mum didn’t know either — it’s weird,”

“Why is that weird?”

“There was a lot she didn’t know. But she was never afraid to admit it. And now that I think about it, that was part of what made her such a great leader. She understood that using the support of those around her didn’t make her weak.”

Catra thanked her for sharing and she wrapped her arms around Glimmer and felt wiser for knowing her.

Catra returned to their room, calm and restful. Adora would never ask about what her and Glimmer talked about. In the morning, Adora yawned and stretched out her hands, twisting her wrists. The right one had started to click. I guess this is just my wrist now. She checked her nails. There were now other reasons to keep them short besides punching things. She was stood at the foot of the bed. Her red jacket wasn’t on yet. She was wearing it less and less now. Then, Catra’s voice materialised behind her, “hey, Adora,”

“Hey,” Adora didn’t have the chance to turn around before she felt Catra’s body press up against her back, “oh, uh…” she said. Catra’s response was to say nothing and to continue to breathe right next to Adora’s ear. Weird how Adora grew up assuming that having someone’s breath in your ear could only be annoying — turned out it wasn’t.

Catra said, “how’s it going Adora,” with that fake sincerity she’d been honing for years. Her hand slipped round to her front and wriggled under Adora’s waistband, down to her clit.

“Fuck,” Adora said, and Catra snorted at her using this word — it was an impeccably timed debut. Adora breathed heavy. Her body softened and her head lent back to rest on Catra’s shoulder. Catra asked her what she would do if she were to take her hand away. Adora didn’t say anything; she hardly ever spoke at a time like this. So Catra pulled away, and awaited result. Adora, now released, spun to face Catra and — she did it again — hiked Catra up by the thighs and lifted her off the ground. Exactly what Catra was hoping for. Adora did this skilfully in one, brutish exhale; Catra would never get tired of it. She was usually able to keep her claws in check but this time they seemed to extend and sink into the muscle surrounding Adora’s shoulder blades. Adora didn’t make a sound. She was a machine.

Adora kissed Catra and carried her to some decorative piece of furniture leaning against the window glass. What was it? Some kind of chest? It was stupid, they never used it. And yet Adora knew exactly where it was, like she had a perfect map of where everything was in the room. Catra imagined her practicing on her own, walking around the room with her eyes closed, testing the integrity of every piece of furniture. That’s the kind of thing she would do. She deposited Catra on the chest and immediately went down, her nose grazing Catra’s torso and then between her thighs. These trousers were annoying; were they two pieces or one? How had she not worked this out yet?

“I’ll do it,” said Catra, hiking them down and wriggling free. Adora silently dove in, lashing her tongue back and forth in the way that forced Catra’s gravelly, vibrating pur high in her chest. Adora was always like this: quiet, focussed, and passionate. And Catra was loud. The back of her head met with the window glass. A husky moan was thrust from her throat. Adora pushed her thighs further apart and enjoyed the billowing and intermittent thud of Catra’s back against the window. Catra came for a long time — neither of them had any idea when it was going to end. 

When she was finished Catra shot up, desperate to return the favour. Adora’s trousers and pants were already gone. When did she do this? The white top was still on — interesting choice. As she stood, she retracted her nails and in her fingers went. Adora’s silence was never an issue. Catra could read her face perfectly well. She wanted to think that this was something only she could do, like she’d spent years learning a new language, but Adora wore her emotions so sincerely that nearly everyone could tell how she was feeling. Right now, it was clear that she was already close to coming. Catra said, “have you ever had an orgasm standing up?”

Adora shook her head and brought her body in closer and Catra slid her fingers up and down and finally broke Adora’s silence. Her gasps turned to more rounded moans, all short and unpredictable. Standing was really too much to ask at this point. Her legs buckled beneath her and they both fell on the floor in a sweaty pile, and Adora’s orgasm tapered off into laughter, “guess I can’t come standing up,” and when she caught her breath Adora sighed, “holy shit,”

Catra’s head turned, “I’ve never heard you swear before in my life and now you do it twice in one day,”

Adora shook her head like she was tired, “it’s just easier,” and it was; new channels of self-expression require new words. She clicked her wrist again.

“Didn’t it hurt when I scratched you?” asked Catra.

“No. I’d tell you if it hurt,”

Catra thumbed at the scratches which had now formed shallow welts. The white top was ruined as well — Adora would probably continue to wear it anyway. Catra didn’t really believe Adora; she never admitted to being in pain. Catra would continue to scratch her during sex, harder and harder, until she finally spoke up.

“It’s good,” Adora said, “the scratches have a new meaning now,”  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The section with Glimmer was inspired by a short fan comic that I WISH I could find so I can credit the artist; I think it's such a key part of Catra growing.
> 
> Also check out @ansdrela on twitter/tumblr/patreon. Her work basically inspires all the smut I write, so kudos to her too.


	4. Mermista

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for Catra to visit Selinas and take down all those Horde flags she was responsible for putting up -- such lols

Adora had opened a drawer and found her old force captain badge. It was still like new; all shiny, barely used at all. She couldn’t believe that she’d kept it. For a very brief moment, this badge meant everything to her. And now it was just a trivial piece of metal sitting in a drawer. She turned it around in her hands and remembered the day Shadow Weaver presented it to her in a small plume of smoke. She sort of hated that memory now, but it felt wrong to throw the badge away. She put it back and went to close the drawer but Catra’s hand emerged from nowhere and closed the drawer for her. Catra smiled, and kissed the back of Adora’s neck, and completely misunderstood her silence as something else. Adora was still stuck on the badge memory. She took a step away and Catra moved closer, wrapping her arms around her waist. Adora hardly even realised what was happening until she found herself physically pushing Catra away. Catra laughed; she thought this was a game. Adora was probably about to pick her up again, she thought. Her claws instinctively went into Adora’s back — as usual when they were about to have sex. Adora was angry, she didn’t want this. She told Catra to get off and pushed her away, and as she stumbled back a couple of extended claws drew their way across Adora’s cheek. Annoyed at the pain, she said, “not now!” and instantly felt such a horrible pang of regret that she was essentially paralysed.

Catra looked at the scratches she’d made and stuttered, “I- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—“

Maybe Adora should have been clearer that she wasn’t in the mood. She wasn’t sure. She tried to say that it was all okay but sounded insincere.

“I promised Mermista I’d visit Selinas, I should go,” said Catra.

Adora got herself to a mirror and eyed the scratches and realised that no one made her angry in the same way that Catra did; Catra was the only person who made her feel like an unreasonable person. She was like a useless brute again: rubbish at using words but very good at using force. She summoned the sword to her hand and turned into She Ra and the scratches were gone. Ironically she’d never felt so weak in her entire life. Glimmer caught her like this and asked what she was doing. There was almost no reason to be She Ra anymore.

“I just felt like being tall again for a bit,”

“Adora don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t believe you,”

“Yep, that’s fair,” she transformed back into herself revealing the scratches on her face.

“Oh,”

“It was an accident,” she sounded defensive. She couldn’t quite believe how embarrassed she was about this.

“I guess this is what happens when you’re with someone who has claws,”

“Hm… that’s a good point,”

Catra arrived at Selinas by boat, and did her absolute best to ignore Sea Hawk’s unrelenting jolly disposition. She looked at the sea gate; it was utterly wrecked. During the war Selinas was just a strategic point on the map — it seemed really small and insignificant. She paid no real attention to it because it was easier to destroy things that you didn’t care about. But now it was grand, and broken. It was strange; she’d been so proud when she finally took Selinas. All she wanted was someone’s approval, including her own. And she thought that if The Horde took control of all Etheria, Adora would have no choice but to come back. What a dumb way of looking at it.

Mermista met her in some kind of strategy room. There was a map on the wall. It looked like it showed areas of Selinas that needed rebuilding. Mermista, deadpan as usual, said, “so like… there are bunch of those stupid Horde flags everywhere. If you could just like take them down that would be great,”

“All of them?”

“Well, obviously,”

Catra didn’t complain and got to work. There were flags everywhere; on the sides of buildings, draped over rocks, up high on poles. She fell into water several times. The flags were heavy and sodden. People looked at her as she walked past with a million of them slung over her shoulder. She wondered if they recognised her — but how would they? She was never on the ground during the invasion. 

For a long time the Horde symbol meant virtually nothing to her; it had been in her eye line since childhood. It was part of the natural visual vocabulary of her life. She could never say that she wore it proudly — she just wore it. She couldn’t stand the sight of it now. Strange — she was forced to wear it all her life, technically, but not in the same way as when with Horde Prime. The symbol became ubiquitous with his invasion of her mind. She didn’t wake up every day — like she did on Etheria — and just throw the same old clothes on, that happened to have the symbol on them. With Prime she was taken, and dressed by others, and she almost disappeared entirely. But it didn’t matter at the time. That’s the whole thing about brainwashing: your happiness is entirely synthetic, but it’s still happiness, and you enjoy it. It only felt awful after the chip was damaged, and she was lucid enough to be aware that he still had a grasp on her. It was like a gruesome purgatory where it felt like it would have almost been easier to be brainwashed again. 

She realised that she’d been collecting flags with no guidance and no idea how many more there were left. She’d reached the limit of what she could carry so she brought them back to Mermista, and slung them on the floor with a soggy thud. They smelled like a polluted river during low tide. 

“There, that’s the first round,” Catra said, panting.

Mermista smirked, “neat,”

“Can I have a map or something? How am I supposed to know where all the flags are?”

“Nah it’s cool, you did good,”

Others came in with flags in wheelbarrows and carts and other such tools that made the taking down of flags far easier. They all added to Catra’s tiny pile. She felt stupid for thinking that she had been the only person collecting them. Also it turned out that she had worked the hardest and was the least effective.

“Do you know what’s funny?” said Mermista, “even though you’re the one who put them here, you must hate these flags even more than me by now,”

That wasn’t funny, but it probably was true. Catra liked to think that it had absolutely no effect on her growing up. She thought that being aware of consistent and systematic lying meant that she had risen above all of the manipulation. But actually, while she was in the Horde, she truly believed that any life outside of it would be significantly worse — even though it was already total shit.

The flags were loaded onto a barge and set on the water.

“What are you going to do with them?” said Catra.

Mermista said, “Uh… nothing? The fire will do it all for us,”

Then the barge was set ablaze and pushed out to sea. Near enough everyone in Selinas could see it; there was clapping and cheering coming from all directions.

Mermista looked at Catra staring at the fire, “you should stay for dinner,”

“Next time. I need to get back to Adora,”

When Catra got back Adora wasn’t there. It was dark now. She still didn’t know what all the rooms were for in the palace — she poked her head into a couple and then felt stupid so stopped. Adora appeared shortly after looking sweaty and tired, “I went back to the fright zone to help Scorpia out some more,” and then she added, “I wanted to feel strong again, I dunno,”

“That makes sense. How’s the face?”

“It’s fine. Worse things have happened to me. How was Selinas?”

“You know, it was very… uh, cleansing,”

“Okay…” Adora now went over to Catra and realised she was cold and wet, “are you shivering?”

“Yep. Selinas is gross. I should have brought a towel. Or six”

Adora went quiet and pulled up on Catra’s top, lifting it over her head. The door was still open so Adora shut it by pushing Catra against it, and somehow managed to clasp both her wrists in one hand and plant them above her head. Adora always went on and on about feeling weak but she was the strongest person Catra knew. And once she’d found confidence in her abilities she was practically unstoppable — she was proving this now. Her forehead was pressed against Catra’s, and she didn’t break her stare while her free hand crept straight down beneath her waistband. Catra thought back to the first few times, when Adora was much more passive. Now she was always silently and stoically taking the lead. She never thought she’d prefer it this way but she did. When Catra came Adora released her wrists and Catra kissed her on the mouth, feeling the rough of the scratches brush her nose. They were fine — the scratches were fine. They were just part of her face now.


End file.
